Ye gads, matey, says Morty. Submitted by Fred Meckley, A man is recovering from a minor surgery when a nurse comes in to check on him. 50 of Terry Wogan and Graham Nortons most scathing Eurovision quotes Ill grant you three wishes, the genie says. One afternoon, I decided to clean a purse of mine by throwing it into the washing machinespring cleaning and all that. 25 of the funniest ever Still Game quotes I cant stand this. Well, said her husband to the shaken pastor when all the commotion ending, shes there.Submitted by Norm Schmitz, One friend complains to another, All my husband and I do any more is fight. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing. As I told the salesperson, I dont need to be depressed four ways; one is quite enough.. Don't be the person to initiate that. If you have ever been offended by someone with nothing but a gaping mouth and a figurative puff of smoke as a response, you know how tragic a lack of a comeback can feel. He told me to stop going there. Its easy, replies the ranger. and Photobombed. Keep your voice steady, avoid sounding too pleased with yourself, and deliver the line with a straight face. The foreman stands, clear his throat and announces, Not guilty. The defendant leaps to his feet. I told the Inland Revenue I dont owe them a penny. You couldnt beat a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest. 15. Amazing! the man says. After Adam stayed out late a few nights, Eve became suspicious. Get Your Laugh on with these funny redneck sayings: He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC, Psychology and the Mystery of the "Poisoned" Schoolgirls. Without hesitation, the man replies, "Cool, which drugs are we testing?". Jenna and Bill are finishing up a dinner date. You dont want to be that person who could literally write a book about what you wish you would have said. What does a nosy pepper do? I was at the customer-service desk, returning a pair of jeans that was too tight. Whod want to fly an airline that doesnt go all the way? Next time you're at a loss for words, try out one of these one-liners andwatch your popularity soar!*. 50 of the funniest Friends quotes and jokes. There, the nurse dressed his wound and gave him instructions on how to care for it. 25 of Rik Mayalls greatest quotes The boy screams. She poured some milk into the saucer and Jim did likewise. I hate Russian dolls so full of themselves! These hilarious tweets are guaranteed to make you grin! Submitted by Eric Lyden, I went to the butchers the other day and bet him $50 that he couldnt reach the meat on the top shelf. Literally nothing is rhombus shaped. Two whales walk into a bar. 50 of Frankie Boyles funniest (and darkest) jokes I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Lets explore the role of humor in an intimate relationship. He said Thanks! I said Dont mention it., I was playing chess with my friend and he said, Lets make this interesting. How are you?, OK, says the first producer. Sometimes I wish I was a bird so I could fly over certain people and shit on their heads., 40. He knows I have poor eyesight, so Hes fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! There, on the front cover, was a red circle around my misspelled name. Corny Dad Jokes We're Embarrassed to Admit Made Us Laugh, 30 Nerd Jokes for People Who Embrace Their Inner Smarty-Pants, These Funny Math Jokes Truly Have No Equal, 20 Smart and Funny Examples of the Nerd Meme, 25 Parents Who Expertly Trolled Their Kids, You Won't Believe These Hilarious Tinder Pickup Lines Actually Worked, The 15 Funniest Harry Potter "Yo Mama" Jokes, 18 Super Funny and Creative Business Cards, Best Anti-Gun Jokes and One-Liners About Gun Control. So whats the most effective way to get out your frustrations while still coming off like the lovable stud/studette that you are? He says to the man, "We're going to have to give you a drug test.". It can only become stairs.Mitch Hedberg, What I dont like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. Phyllis Diller. Two weeks after I had photos taken of my baby, I returned to the studio to view the pictures on a colour monitor. Sadly, female airline pilots are still relatively rare. Whether its the swift one-liners of Tim Vine or Milton Jones, or a more traditionally structured joke, these quick-fire quips will have your friends rolling around on the floor. That night I went to a church meeting and the speaker told us about his humanitarian work. Submitted by Dan Upham, I have always been a disappointment. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. I take that as a compliment. ), I was driving when I first saw the flash of a traffic camera. You need to learn these corny Halloween jokes! I just sold a screenplay for $200,000. Tempting fate, I tried it on. He found himself on a desolate country road and finally ran into a farmer. All rights reserved. Relive the history of the world in dumb jokes. You can only stalk them and hope for the best." [Read: 55 funny quotes about love and all its complications] 6. You wont believe these hilarious job ads actually ran! Awesome! he shouts. Next week is his First Communion., I found a bear by the stream, says the minister, and preached Gods holy word. ", "How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You couldn't hit water if you fell out of a boat. Of course, those who arent in the direct line of insult will no doubt find it hilarious! Just keep your right knee bent a little at all times, walk like this, and no one will notice. Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. One day I had to call someone about a late book entitled Dont Forget: Easy Exercises for a Better Memory. Im actually not funny. One looks over at the other and says: Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?. 20 of Malcolm Tuckers most cutting insults Its not a gong. Later, they order an other round. Good heavens, the first doctor said to the second, look at that poor crippled fellow., Yeah, answered the second doctor. Jokes You Couldn't Tell Today Part 3 - YouTube You never know when you might kneed these jokes. Its all right for 10 minutes, then you start to feel sick. Andrew Lawrence, I bought my friend an elephant for his room. Curious, he went to the store and handed the ticket to the owner, who headed to the back of the store before reappearing. Good Comebacks, Roasts, & Burns: Best 99+ You Need To Know - Humoropedia Thats why the suit is such a bargain, the sales clerk explained. ._3Z6MIaeww5ZxzFqWHAEUxa{margin-top:8px}._3Z6MIaeww5ZxzFqWHAEUxa ._3EpRuHW1VpLFcj-lugsvP_{color:inherit}._3Z6MIaeww5ZxzFqWHAEUxa svg._31U86fGhtxsxdGmOUf3KOM{color:inherit;fill:inherit;padding-right:8px}._3Z6MIaeww5ZxzFqWHAEUxa ._2mk9m3mkUAeEGtGQLNCVsJ{font-family:Noto Sans,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:400;line-height:18px;color:inherit} Check out these up-and-coming Canadian comediansand their best jokes! If you're loving these science jokes, you'll get a kick out of these math jokes too. Impress a history buff with these hilarious history jokes. The head monk, says, You make a good point, my son.. ._1EPynDYoibfs7nDggdH7Gq{margin-bottom:8px;position:relative}._1EPynDYoibfs7nDggdH7Gq._3-0c12FCnHoLz34dQVveax{max-height:63px;overflow:hidden}._1zPvgKHteTOub9dKkvrOl4{font-family:Noto Sans,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;line-height:21px;font-weight:400;word-wrap:break-word}._1dp4_svQVkkuV143AIEKsf{-ms-flex-align:baseline;align-items:baseline;background-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-body);bottom:-2px;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-flow:row nowrap;flex-flow:row nowrap;padding-left:2px;position:absolute;right:-8px}._5VBcBVybCfosCzMJlXzC3{font-family:Noto Sans,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:400;line-height:21px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-bodyText)}._3YNtuKT-Is6XUBvdluRTyI{position:relative;background-color:0;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaText);fill:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaText);border:0;padding:0 8px}._3YNtuKT-Is6XUBvdluRTyI:before{content:"";position:absolute;top:0;left:0;width:100%;height:100%;border-radius:9999px;background:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaText);opacity:0}._3YNtuKT-Is6XUBvdluRTyI:hover:before{opacity:.08}._3YNtuKT-Is6XUBvdluRTyI:focus{outline:none}._3YNtuKT-Is6XUBvdluRTyI:focus:before{opacity:.16}._3YNtuKT-Is6XUBvdluRTyI._2Z_0gYdq8Wr3FulRLZXC3e:before,._3YNtuKT-Is6XUBvdluRTyI:active:before{opacity:.24}._3YNtuKT-Is6XUBvdluRTyI:disabled,._3YNtuKT-Is6XUBvdluRTyI[data-disabled],._3YNtuKT-Is6XUBvdluRTyI[disabled]{cursor:not-allowed;filter:grayscale(1);background:none;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaTextAlpha50);fill:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaTextAlpha50)}._2ZTVnRPqdyKo1dA7Q7i4EL{transition:all .1s linear 0s}.k51Bu_pyEfHQF6AAhaKfS{transition:none}._2qi_L6gKnhyJ0ZxPmwbDFK{transition:all .1s linear 0s;display:block;background-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-field);border-radius:4px;padding:8px;margin-bottom:12px;margin-top:8px;border:1px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-canvas);cursor:pointer}._2qi_L6gKnhyJ0ZxPmwbDFK:focus{outline:none}._2qi_L6gKnhyJ0ZxPmwbDFK:hover{border:1px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-button)}._2qi_L6gKnhyJ0ZxPmwbDFK._3GG6tRGPPJiejLqt2AZfh4{transition:none;border:1px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-button)}.IzSmZckfdQu5YP9qCsdWO{cursor:pointer;transition:all .1s linear 0s}.IzSmZckfdQu5YP9qCsdWO ._1EPynDYoibfs7nDggdH7Gq{border:1px solid transparent;border-radius:4px;transition:all .1s linear 0s}.IzSmZckfdQu5YP9qCsdWO:hover ._1EPynDYoibfs7nDggdH7Gq{border:1px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-button);padding:4px}._1YvJWALkJ8iKZxUU53TeNO{font-size:12px;font-weight:700;line-height:16px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-button)}._3adDzm8E3q64yWtEcs5XU7{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex}._3adDzm8E3q64yWtEcs5XU7 ._3jyKpErOrdUDMh0RFq5V6f{-ms-flex:100%;flex:100%}._3adDzm8E3q64yWtEcs5XU7 .dqhlvajEe-qyxij0jNsi0{color:var(--newCommunityTheme-button)}._3adDzm8E3q64yWtEcs5XU7 ._12nHw-MGuz_r1dQx5YPM2v,._3adDzm8E3q64yWtEcs5XU7 .dqhlvajEe-qyxij0jNsi0{font-size:12px;font-weight:700;line-height:16px;cursor:pointer;-ms-flex-item-align:end;align-self:flex-end;-webkit-user-select:none;-ms-user-select:none;user-select:none}._3adDzm8E3q64yWtEcs5XU7 ._12nHw-MGuz_r1dQx5YPM2v{color:var(--newCommunityTheme-button);margin-right:8px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-errorText)}._3zTJ9t4vNwm1NrIaZ35NS6{font-family:Noto Sans,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;line-height:21px;font-weight:400;word-wrap:break-word;width:100%;padding:0;border:none;background-color:transparent;resize:none;outline:none;cursor:pointer;color:var(--newRedditTheme-bodyText)}._2JIiUcAdp9rIhjEbIjcuQ-{resize:none;cursor:auto}._2I2LpaEhGCzQ9inJMwliNO,._42Nh7O6pFcqnA6OZd3bOK{display:inline-block;margin-left:4px;vertical-align:middle}._42Nh7O6pFcqnA6OZd3bOK{fill:var(--newCommunityTheme-button);color:var(--newCommunityTheme-button);height:16px;width:16px;margin-bottom:2px} If youre looking for a sassier way to go through life, these smartass quotes with advice are sure to help. Theres no menu, you only get what you deserve. How do you get two whales in a car? Submitted by Reid Faylor. 58 Seriously Messed Up Jokes You'll Feel Guilty Laughing At Want to grab a drink? he asks the centipede, but theres no answer from the box. Youre it! That night, Adam was fast asleep when he was awoken by Eve poking him in the chest. What do you say I just buy the necklace and we forget this ever happened? The manager agrees and writes up a sales slip. Submitted by Jennifer Estlin, Moved by the church service, the richest man in town stood up and addressed the congregation. He was a tackling dummy. Love you too. Laughfactory.com, Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Ah, yes, the doctor said when Norm explained what had happened to him. .s5ap8yh1b4ZfwxvHizW3f{color:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaText);padding-top:5px}.s5ap8yh1b4ZfwxvHizW3f._19JhaP1slDQqu2XgT3vVS0{color:#ea0027} Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, Dont flush, dont flush!, I like an escalator because an escalator can never break. Me: Yes. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west! Rodney Dangerfield. Cant you take a joke? He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as hes dialing, his four-year-old son comes up and says, Daddy! Get ready for more witty bar jokes anyone can remember. We recommend our users to update the browser. On her next birthday, he buys her nothing, so she phones him, furious. Give me my scotch! The flight attendant rushes over with their drinks. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, Pull over!, No! the woman yelled back, Cardigan! Reddit.com, I quit my job working for Nike. No problem, the sales clerk answered. I always say Morning instead of Good Morning, because if it was a good morning, I would still be in my bed and not talking to people., 2. 101 Good, Clean Jokes That'll Make You Laugh Your Pants Off Concerned, their parents took them to a psychiatrist. Is a baby covered in cream, saying, Ah! BEWARE OF DOG! What's a cat's favorite dessert? 5. Shes been here six months. PostedJune 30, 2019 I was browsing in the mens department at Neiman Marcus when a knitted black designer blazer caught my eye. A: Get off the carousel. Green beans are the most Zen of all the vegetables because theyve found their inner peas. Whenever we'd start talking and she didn't want to hear it she would sing, "Oh the monkey wrapped his tail around the flag pole, to wipe his butt hole, and see the world!!". Dont miss these funny tweets every parent can relate to. From the best clean jokes for adults to funny clean jokes of the day, this big SFW list has something hilarious for everyone: kids, teens, seniors and co-workers. What are you drinking? he asks the guy. 105 of the best short jokes and one-liners to get you laughing in seconds All rights reserved. That is wrong on so many different levels. Tim Vine, A cement mixer collided with a prison van. ._2a172ppKObqWfRHr8eWBKV{-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0;margin-right:8px}._39-woRduNuowN7G4JTW4I8{margin-top:12px}._136QdRzXkGKNtSQ-h1fUru{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;margin:8px 0;width:100%}.r51dfG6q3N-4exmkjHQg_{font-size:10px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:.5px;line-height:12px;text-transform:uppercase;-ms-flex-pack:justify;justify-content:space-between;-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center}.r51dfG6q3N-4exmkjHQg_,._2BnLYNBALzjH6p_ollJ-RF{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex}._2BnLYNBALzjH6p_ollJ-RF{margin-left:auto}._1-25VxiIsZFVU88qFh-T8p{padding:0}._2nxyf8XcTi2UZsUInEAcPs._2nxyf8XcTi2UZsUInEAcPs{color:var(--newCommunityTheme-widgetColors-sidebarWidgetTextColor)} Today isnt your day. Here are 75 short jokes anyone can remember! Hows it work? Watch, said the drunk. The sign says its okay, replied the visitor. 25 of Charlie Brookers most cutting jokes and insults Why did the chicken go to the sance? The landlady answers. I find it helpful to look at a distinction I use all the time in my clinical work and teaching: intent versus impact. Oops.Submitted by Robert Rea, Steve, a lonely bachelor, wants some company, so he buys a centipede and a small box for it to live in. "A man is at the funeral of an old friend. The basic recipe for relational health is this: Do more of the good stuff and less of the bad stuff. The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. I believe that God blessed that decision, and that is why I am a millionaire today. As he sat down, a woman shouted, I dare you to do it again.Submitted by Debra Miteff, A job applicant was asked, What would you consider to be your main strengths and weaknesses? Well, he began, my main weakness would definitely be my issues with realitytelling whats real from whats not. Okay, said the interviewer. The detective asks, Is that your husband? Yes, replies the woman. Hes telling a dumb-blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet. Again, the bird gives the crew grief for being slow and the businessman joins in, Yeah, the service stinks! Just then, the flight attendant grabs the pair, opens the hatch and throws them out of the plane. Beverly Jenkins is a humor and pop culture writer. Its all very well and good having a range of smartass quotes in your armory, but how do you deliver them in the right way? Friend making bad life choices? But two weeks later, theres still no sign of the mutt. My dog is so smart, says the first owner, that every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around. The wife smiles, and says 'Thank you, that means a lot.'". Are you at peace with God?, Larry replies, God and I are tight. Get the very best of LovePanky straight to your inbox! Jokes. How far do you think I can kick this bucket. I said to her, Everything is so so white Grandma doesnt even know where the road is. She innocently replied, Grandma, its under the snow. Submitted by Bonnie Gronning, There is a lot of competition for parking at the local dental office, hence the sign: Dental office parking only. Thats when I realized he was her favourite twin. Submitted by James Hewitt, Marriage is just two people taking turns mashing the trash down in the hopes the other one folds first and empties the bin. What are they used for? the captain asks. The plane takes off and the parrot orders a Glenlivet, neat. A mother asks her young sons what they want for breakfast. Laughfactory.com, Anyone want to buy some exercise equipment? Startled, the driver went through a red light and almost hit a bus before he pulled over. A reliable jokenever fails to break the ice during social interactions, and goodness knowssome of us can use all the help we can get in those situations! Submitted by Tim Vine, Q: What do you call twin police officers? ._2cHgYGbfV9EZMSThqLt2tx{margin-bottom:16px;border-radius:4px}._3Q7WCNdCi77r0_CKPoDSFY{width:75%;height:24px}._2wgLWvNKnhoJX3DUVT_3F-,._3Q7WCNdCi77r0_CKPoDSFY{background:var(--newCommunityTheme-field);background-size:200%;margin-bottom:16px;border-radius:4px}._2wgLWvNKnhoJX3DUVT_3F-{width:100%;height:46px} ._1x9diBHPBP-hL1JiwUwJ5J{font-size:14px;font-weight:500;line-height:18px;color:#ff585b;padding-left:3px;padding-right:24px}._2B0OHMLKb9TXNdd9g5Ere-,._1xKxnscCn2PjBiXhorZef4{height:16px;padding-right:4px;vertical-align:top}.icon._1LLqoNXrOsaIkMtOuTBmO5{height:20px;vertical-align:middle;padding-right:8px}.QB2Yrr8uihZVRhvwrKuMS{height:18px;padding-right:8px;vertical-align:top}._3w_KK8BUvCMkCPWZVsZQn0{font-size:14px;font-weight:500;line-height:18px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-actionIcon)}._3w_KK8BUvCMkCPWZVsZQn0 ._1LLqoNXrOsaIkMtOuTBmO5,._3w_KK8BUvCMkCPWZVsZQn0 ._2B0OHMLKb9TXNdd9g5Ere-,._3w_KK8BUvCMkCPWZVsZQn0 ._1xKxnscCn2PjBiXhorZef4,._3w_KK8BUvCMkCPWZVsZQn0 .QB2Yrr8uihZVRhvwrKuMS{fill:var(--newCommunityTheme-actionIcon)} '", "Why did the old woman fall into the well? 25 Clever Jokes That'll Make You Sound Smart | Reader's Digest I want to achieve it by not dying. Woody Allen, The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. Is it true, she wanted to know, that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life? Yes, Im afraid so, said the doctor. Q: Youre riding a horse at full speed. Sorry, Im not Adele. The woman responded, Shes a dentist. GCFL.net, A woman walked up to an elderly man rocking in a chair on his porch. Have you popped into that new coffee shop across the street yet? asks one. Couldn't hit sand if he fell off a camel. I had spent some time looking for a sandwich on the grass, when a golfer asked me if someone had lost a sand wedge. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals. Peter Kay. ", "Well I'm sure everybody here already knows about Murphy's Lawbut you guysprobablydon't know about Cole's law, am I right? He looked at all the rings on my fingers, then exclaimed, You must have had a lot of husbands! Submitted by Esther Dawson, Me: I brought some books for us to read. Youre running around with another womanadmit it! she demanded. 70. After my husband injured himself, I ran him over to the doctors office. The burial service for the elderly woman climaxed with a massive clap of thunder, followed by a bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder. Exit signs? In the piano! New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. Thats the day when I take out the garbage., 16. Nurse: Have you ever had a hysterectomy? [Read: 101 Savage good comebacks for every witty, funny, or rude comment], 34. | This particular genie, however, states that she can deliver only one wish, not the standard three. Thanks for the compliment [Read: 20 Smart medieval insults in English that should make a comeback], 48. You couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions written on the heel. Some days you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. He promptly sticks his head out the window and says: Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no.. BBLTHRW. The paramedic says, Are you comfortable?. The odds of getting mugged once are 1 in 50. Well, the hut one on the left is where I live, says the man. Local man killed by falling piano. As a result, while in uniform, Im often mistaken for a flight attendant, a ticket agent, or even a snack bar employee. 'Submitted by John Langley. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. But instead of yelping with delight, the little boy burst into tears. All jokes aside, I am so grateful for you" Liked what you just read? How many times did you hit him? asks the detective. 10 Likes, 0 Comments - (@zdragonqueen) on Instagram: "' . Will I die? she asks. Sometimes you just want to make somebody laugh, but are pushed for time. The point of being sarcastic is that its cool and effortless. Funny Science Jokes: Hilarious Science Jokes Nerds Will Love | Reader's Maybe 22, he says. So how do we know if theyre grizzly bear droppings? asks one of the ramblers. What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches? !" It was a long, dramatic, drawn-out way of telling us to shut-up. A cloud of tension hangs over them, and one thing is clear: these two are not going to end the night in each others arms! Gets jalapeo business! He never did any of that!, I tried having my mothers phone disconnected, but customer service told me that since the account was in my dads name, hed have to be the one to put in the request. One turned to my father and said, Do yall put manure on your strawberries? My dad smiled, then responded, I dont know how you do things where you come from, but up here we put sugar and cream on our berries. 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Matt Kirshen. ", "A man is at the funeral of an old friend. When Im done, poof! Whats the matter? the psychiatrist asked. So now I got me a hook., I was standin on a dock, and the biggest seagull I ever saw poops right in me eye., But ya dont go blind from no seagull poop., True, says Sol. If youre going to be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty. -Marilyn Monroe, 38. Oddly enough it's feminists, One of the UK's smallest towns has an award-winning pub and England's oldest fishing society, 'How bad are the pics? "You can't make somebody love you. Hes never gonna give you Up. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when hes done, poof, the light goes off?, Oh, no, exclaims Bonnie. 25 of the greatest Absolutely Fabulous quotes, darling lifeguard air ambulance new mexico hassan has plastic surgery hassan has plastic surgery How did you do it? he asked. Bless me father, for I have sinned, he says. Check out our all-time funniest work jokes.